Here I am moving through time, like a cork bobbing along on some great river. Its like that life. a huge river, like the journey of a drop of water from the sky to the sea and back to the sky. Its a parallel of the path we all have to take, moving from childhood to old age, ignorance to wisdom, darkness to light. Its a journey of duality, of confusion, of suffering and of joy. Its full of delight, fear, ecstasy and disappointment.
I used to feel so involved, so engaged in the process. I don't now, its gone. I feel like a spectator on the bank most of the time. I have lost all trust in permanence. I know it is an illusion, and I keep seeing it as that, an illusion. Now the way I flow down the river has changed, don't seem to bother so much with getting the paddles out. The goals have shifted, my whole paradigm has gone East.
When I reflect on my motivations now so much of who I am and what I do is inspired by my need to be more that I appear to be, than what I believe I am. I have such a drive to be an inspiration, an example, a light in the dark, and yet I frequently find myself living in such darkness.
Its not an ego driven need to be there for others, its coming from a place of 'this is what I want for myself, I need a person like this in my life, for me!' When I reach out and connect to another, I know deep down its because its for myself.
So I'm no hero, I'm basically selfish. I want to be to people what I want them to be to me. Sometimes I feel like I am in a crazy game of trying walk on a tightrope of glitter and cobwebs.
And that makes me think about the people that I find floating along downstream with me. I ask this question, quite often...What it is that I need to know about myself that causes me to respond or attach to this one or that one? I usually get there in then end, find some kind of answer. Maybe that's why it's the end, I finally learnt what they came to teach.
We all know lovers and partners are a good one for painful lessons. The societal message to attach to this or that person, to find endless joy in their body and soul, is deeply embedded in my psyche.
It's not the message I subscribe to,
I know from years of reading the words of Great Beings and Saints, over and over again... there is no source of happiness outside of my own Self. I have to be grounded in that permanent place. But keeping myself anchored in the shifting sands of the external... that is a challenge.
I have said to myself several times of late, if I were in the surf I'd have my hand up right now. I'm drowning in confusion over what I'm doing, what I need to do and where I'm heading. But the ridiculous thing is I know I'm heading nowhere, its all mirrors and smoke, I need to connect to what I'm growing in myself, not where this body is taking me. Its like upgrading the TV set thinking the programs are going to improve. Stop watching!
Release the Goddess! I know she's in there. Watching waiting. I know her as the High Priestess, the Wise Woman, the Angel, the Devi, the Maiden Mother and Crone. I can feel her inside me, waiting. She is there guiding me, and reminding me in my silences, after a crash and burn, while I'm licking my wounds... she lets me know that its perfect and there is no Other.
She tells me "It is all the One. Love. Just Love."
So when will she take over the driving of this golden life instead of me feeling like a hobbit in a barrel crashing about, I can access her when I am with my soul sisters, in those conversations of complete authenticity. But I want to live from that place, not just visit it.
But this life is not just a river running through, sometime it feels like a refinery. There are definite times of being in the fires of the forge, and there are times when I am polishing up my nails and bathing in the sun.
But which ever one I find myself experiencing... there's got to be a point to it. I don't believe anything really happens by accident. What I want to know is... Is it knowable? Am I allowed to see inside the riddle? Can I get a jump on this ride? What do I need to let go of to grasp the true understanding of this crazy trip through the universe?
Release the Goddess .. and guide me through this maze.
I used to feel so involved, so engaged in the process. I don't now, its gone. I feel like a spectator on the bank most of the time. I have lost all trust in permanence. I know it is an illusion, and I keep seeing it as that, an illusion. Now the way I flow down the river has changed, don't seem to bother so much with getting the paddles out. The goals have shifted, my whole paradigm has gone East.When I reflect on my motivations now so much of who I am and what I do is inspired by my need to be more that I appear to be, than what I believe I am. I have such a drive to be an inspiration, an example, a light in the dark, and yet I frequently find myself living in such darkness.
Its not an ego driven need to be there for others, its coming from a place of 'this is what I want for myself, I need a person like this in my life, for me!' When I reach out and connect to another, I know deep down its because its for myself.
So I'm no hero, I'm basically selfish. I want to be to people what I want them to be to me. Sometimes I feel like I am in a crazy game of trying walk on a tightrope of glitter and cobwebs.
And that makes me think about the people that I find floating along downstream with me. I ask this question, quite often...What it is that I need to know about myself that causes me to respond or attach to this one or that one? I usually get there in then end, find some kind of answer. Maybe that's why it's the end, I finally learnt what they came to teach.
We all know lovers and partners are a good one for painful lessons. The societal message to attach to this or that person, to find endless joy in their body and soul, is deeply embedded in my psyche.It's not the message I subscribe to,
I know from years of reading the words of Great Beings and Saints, over and over again... there is no source of happiness outside of my own Self. I have to be grounded in that permanent place. But keeping myself anchored in the shifting sands of the external... that is a challenge.
I have said to myself several times of late, if I were in the surf I'd have my hand up right now. I'm drowning in confusion over what I'm doing, what I need to do and where I'm heading. But the ridiculous thing is I know I'm heading nowhere, its all mirrors and smoke, I need to connect to what I'm growing in myself, not where this body is taking me. Its like upgrading the TV set thinking the programs are going to improve. Stop watching!
Release the Goddess! I know she's in there. Watching waiting. I know her as the High Priestess, the Wise Woman, the Angel, the Devi, the Maiden Mother and Crone. I can feel her inside me, waiting. She is there guiding me, and reminding me in my silences, after a crash and burn, while I'm licking my wounds... she lets me know that its perfect and there is no Other.She tells me "It is all the One. Love. Just Love."
So when will she take over the driving of this golden life instead of me feeling like a hobbit in a barrel crashing about, I can access her when I am with my soul sisters, in those conversations of complete authenticity. But I want to live from that place, not just visit it.
But this life is not just a river running through, sometime it feels like a refinery. There are definite times of being in the fires of the forge, and there are times when I am polishing up my nails and bathing in the sun.
But which ever one I find myself experiencing... there's got to be a point to it. I don't believe anything really happens by accident. What I want to know is... Is it knowable? Am I allowed to see inside the riddle? Can I get a jump on this ride? What do I need to let go of to grasp the true understanding of this crazy trip through the universe?
Release the Goddess .. and guide me through this maze.
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